Silent sobs

Today is just about going with the flow. No particular theme or leitmotif. Merely, my brain is just itching to write something or anything. My fingertips are restless to snick the keyboard. My heart is thumping, and I can’t say no to her beat. 

Oh, where do I start?

The past months have been, let’s say, crazy and expectedly unexpected. I came to England 6 months ago to fulfil my dreams of getting a Master’s Degree in Business. Can you believe that? It finally happened after years and years of painstakingly working my way. All those sombre juggles, ruffling applications, deranged exams and reviews, and stingy pulses to prepare myself for the big leap. 

Yes, coming to England with literally no relative or no one to cling on to really put me into tests. Probably even harder than GMAT, GRE and IELTS. You start navigating your ways but at the same time you don’t know which way you are going to sweep into – highway, freeway, expressway, or no way! It could probably be any way as what really matters is reaching the point of assembly. Innit?

I had also many retrogresses which steered me to apathy. It’s one of those moments when you bet your entire life on something veritably germane, yet you end up taking an abominable result. Like why! Next thing you know, you just want to tuck yourself in bed for days and days until you slowly pick up those positive chis again to move forward, or will you? Perhaps, this is the reason why I couldn’t start any article relative to my MBA studies. It scares me. I thought that sharing content would be premature as I have not reached the crest where I could say, “Yey, I have conquered the boulders and crossed the alps.” Tell me, how could I be of great influence when I am even hanging my very self on the precipice! Hang on. I can’t yet, and I’m sorry, I too need those reinforcements.

Soberly, I am still righto (pinky), as the brits’d always say, but I cannot help to worry at times. I am doing well in my studies, and I am dedicating my complete psyche to be successful. I also have a strong support system back in my home country – beautiful people showing TLC in every way, yes, from miles away! However, you just can’t help it, do you? When your brain starts to open too many tabs, it makes you off balance. It makes you think how you will shut some, keep the good tabs, so you can at least have a good night sleep. Overthinking ushers nowhere and I defo discourage you to make this a habit. Nah! Nah!

I guess, the question really is – will I survive until the end? I don’t know yet, but I know His Almighty will never take me for granted. It’s getting better. I have both adapted and adopted well. Met great people. Kept some. Wed out few. Reconnected with old folks. Disassociated from some. Found my future!? – -what’s taking you so long K? – -Gag, I don’t want to talk about the latter yet as it seems very distant! Let’s just say, I would have to dedicate an entire page for that chapter, if ever.

Anyway, enough with the phooey – what I basically want to bequeath is that, when you’re lost and you seem to think like there’s no way, there is always the God’s way. When you’re totally weak and you think that you can no longer carry on, God sends people to enable you. He will provide a good ride so you can continue the travel and reach the journey’s end. 

I say its better yeah but why am I cleping it as crazy and unexpectedly expected? It’s what I feel as of this writing. Too many memoirs resonating different levels of lessons. I am still halfway through my studies and about to commence my dissertation. Apart from that, I also have 3 modules to claw. I’m quite excited and nervous for what the next days will bring. One thing is for sure, I am fastening my seatbelt well as the ride could be bumpy, fast, or curvy. Collision can also be reckoned knowing the traffic and the reckless’, but at least, I have already checked the wheel’s airbag and I think I’ll be safe. Again, will I survive if it crashes? Well, I will. I must. I can. Only then I could advance to the next step if I trounce this stage.

What’s next then?

I don’t know. Finishing my MBA. Living in or Leaving England? Finding K? Starting a real family? Build my career? Be the most sought after Cebuana negotiator? Advanced Teaching Courses? God will lead the way, though I know my heart seems so full these days with the energy coming from a mere mythical yearning . That thump thump parapapampam sound motivates me to just keep on moving conscientiously. Yikes! KKK. See you next year. I am ready!

14 thoughts on “Silent sobs

  1. Nice article only there are some high sounding words which are difficult to understand but as you reread slowly youll come to know what they meant. I remember your papa. He also wrote so many articles and they were published in HOME mag.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wish I could publish mine at different platform too mom… I’ll start a new page.. but I’m waiting, maybe, after 37 days. But yeah just got so much inspiration right now and I hope it will stay that way.

      Like

  2. Interesting read. Anxieties and fears are natural part of any struggle, and you ‘were’ going through one last September. Now as you look back, you can see how far you have come.

    True, overthinking ushers nowhere – yet, it is a difficult discipline to master at times. The years go by fast, though the days seem long. The trick is to ‘trust’ the flow of the river and where it would take us, and not ‘cling’ to the rocks at the bottom.

    How/where/ in what form will you be next week or the next decade, no one knows. Yet, one thing is certain – it will be very different from ALL the possibilities you can imagine today.

    When a door closes, a life ends, a new door opens, a new life begins… what the caterpillar calls the end, the Master calls a butterfly.

    Like

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