I am not writing anytime soon and I hope everyone would understand that I just want to focus on my corporate job now.
It’s been a year, but I haven’t totally gone incognito. I wanted to focus on my dissertation and the rest of my energy went to writing contents for Leeds Beckett University and Leeds Business School whilst simultaneously doing random travails hither and thither. I know right, I was just trying to sound sophisticated with my words. The truth, I was really busy uncovering the different tabs of my seemingly picturesque life. England made me experience everything: slog, rugged and cherry. Management trainee, hotel receptionist, waitress, casino valet, teacher, event coordinator, occasional worker and many more just to survive – the slog part. Heartaches, rejections, abandonment, failures, loss, anxiety and few more which almost polarised me completely – the rugged part. Wins, celebrations, acquisitions, friendship , connections, travels, romantic affair which brought my body and soul back together – the cherry part.
Good news is…I already graduated from my MBA last July 2022. Hard work paid off as I graduated with distinctions. Distinctions is equivalent to first in PH standard. Happy to announce also that in a month time, I will be trotting the streets of Cebu again probably in my white hard hat an neon vest. Yes, and that is for good. I will be back to handle the Commercial Leasing and Operations of CLI hopefully bringing fresh perspectives learned from here to beef up the department.
Anyhoo, I am not sure if all of you have read my latest post. Surely some did as I have received a number of emails with interesting questions. Hence, here is a little something.
I have found K or he has found me. Whichever. Everything that I wrote a year ago speaks and encompasses the K I am with today. It’s uncanny. It’s mysterious but as what Oscar Wilde says, “the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death”. Just when I was about to give up finding romantic love, love magically appears out of nowhere in the most surprising affair. Glory be, the fictional K was animated. Looking at K now from the CCTV monitor makes me ask the universe – what have I done to deserve this love. He’s exquisite and I look forward to tend that exquisiteness incessantly.
Everything I have now is all I could ever ask for. I am finally taken, not taken for granted but officially abducted by the character I was only imagining last year. Well nurtured. Well cared. Ultimately loved. I guess my va-va-voom weight could tell and probably my infectious smile as well. Although part of me still worries with all the what-ifs from my insecure psyche. The most terrorising above all is the absurd ween that I might just be the journey not the destination. It will surely break me but at least in this existence I have experienced the magic and spark of a great unexpected love brought by the cupids. The days and months I won’t be seeing K would also handicapped me. I don’t know if I will ever see him again once I go back home? Hence, composing my very self to be strong using pinches of reservations.
There’s so much to write. There’s so much I could tell but I will leave it here for now so I could get back to him and make the most of our numbered moments here.
Editor’s Note: Wrote this from the back office lovingly looking at him from the monitor whilst he is working. Also, I didn’t expect that I will be writing love contents on this site. For the longest time, I was planning to write about studying abroad, getting a scholarship, surviving in the foreign land as an International Student, etc., in the hope to help other dreamers as well. Big plans for all of these, but I just couldn’t get to write it here as I thought that the articles I wrote for the Uni’s site and all the videos Uni and I have created will be enough so I could keep this site personal as it should be.
Here are some articles published before:
Will you ever?
I had this draft in my carriage for more than a month
Frit and overwrought, didn’t have the courage for publication
But my dream last night emboldens me to take the tread
So, I say, que sera sera, let’s do this!
Up to now I still cannot believe, what was written a year ago became the reality of twenty-twenty-two
On point, without missing a line as if I knew what is forthcoming
If you are following, it started from The Most Abhorred Alphabet Rune, to Silent Sob, down to Catch Me posts
Now this one as the continuation
Geez, it creeps the hell out of me. I am not a clairvoyant!
I was just merely a romantic soul then pouring my heart out into writing
Imagining my perfectly imperfect lover in a perfectly imperfect sphere
Genuinely loving each other despite all the boulders
K had been animated – from an imagery to a warm flesh
Brought to life, brought to me as if to fulfil a message and a quest
A message to not give up love
A quest to tell me I am worth it
Oh, I love you K.
No, I am crazily in love with you
You are now my favourite alphabet letter– one that I will forever regard
But will you ever?
Will you ever realise
How much you’ve allowed me to experience that something rigid to find
Unconditional love that exists, one that completes and fulfils every part
A gift, a destiny, a soulmate I am able to finally feel, smell and touch
Will you ever understand
How much I can give and how much I can risk
That even the most hurtful jabber from Mother Earth I could elegantly take
Just to keep you not just today or tomorrow but until our last breaths
Will you ever fully know
How deep I could endure and how much I could sacrifice
That even the most painful pricks from the wagging tongues of human breeds I can graciously bear
Just to be with you not just until our last breaths but until the next phase
Will you ever fully feel
How much you’ve touched my life and how much you’ve changed it for the better
That even my strongest I-don’t-care default character was buried 6-feet under
Just to show how much you mean
Will you ever be at peace
That I can wait, faithfully (like you always say)
Though you have to spruce things out religiously (like I always say)
Protect what’s yours at all costs not just for me but for the future of the tiny tootsies
I know it’s a sounding yes
But just a reminder to keep the innocence
Blessings from heaven are still the best
For a lifelong covenant we both will take
Twenty -twenty-three, I will be waiting in the island
Hopeful. Prayerful. Faithful.
Will you ever come?
Will my favourite letter and the first letter of your name be your answer?
Oh, will you ever…
I saw you again today
Those eyes, they’re so sincere
Your smile, it’s so unfeigned
Your face — oh, royalty is a subtlety.
I spoke to you again today.
Oh my Lord, those lips are so sultry
Your personality, so earnest
Your heart – sterling and undiluted.
I have smiled with you today. Yehey!
Those twinkles we put on our faces
Those moments we have shared
My, my my! Beautiful just as it is.
Yes, my love.
Seeing you from an imagery is more than enough
Though I wish someday I can feel that warmth
Feel that breath… that touch… that spark.
Sorry, my love.
To be honest, it is never enough
I want more, more of you.
Your time. Your weekends. Your presence.
No, wait. Want is a faux-pas cue
When I actually need you
I need the animated you close to me.
Keep me company. Stay beside me.
I’m not sure if you knew though
Or if you’ve read me before
I never wanted to plough in. Not at all.
Avoided you at all costs. Diverted my attention.
Yes, for real!
Felt like you’re too-good-to-be-true then
Thought you’re a con
Literally, like a seasoned handsome boondoggle.
But then, things advanced.
Unearthed your treasure troves.
Known your echoes.
Discovered your hiccups
Vavavoom! Just like that, you got me there.
Now all I want is to show you I care.
Pinky swear, I want you to feel that I do really care.
Oh God, I am so smitten.
Though, at times, I cannot help but feel pain.
The sitch, the circumstance got me thinkin’
And when you start blurting her – not the past but the present
Abysmal. Deep cut. Through and through sting.
What can I do. It is what it is.
So, come now. I am waitin’.
Then you can take a look at my inner bein’.
See and hear what it screams.
I have fallen.
Editor’s Note: I have never met K or I don’t even know who is K but I have a feeling that my future will be K – as in OK. K?
Today is just about going with the flow. No particular theme or leitmotif. Merely, my brain is just itching to write something or anything. My fingertips are restless to snick the keyboard. My heart is thumping, and I can’t say no to her beat.
Oh, where do I start?
The past months have been, let’s say, crazy and expectedly unexpected. I came to England 6 months ago to fulfil my dreams of getting a Master’s Degree in Business. Can you believe that? It finally happened after years and years of painstakingly working my way. All those sombre juggles, ruffling applications, deranged exams and reviews, and stingy pulses to prepare myself for the big leap.
Yes, coming to England with literally no relative or no one to cling on to really put me into tests. Probably even harder than GMAT, GRE and IELTS. You start navigating your ways but at the same time you don’t know which way you are going to sweep into – highway, freeway, expressway, or no way! It could probably be any way as what really matters is reaching the point of assembly. Innit?
I had also many retrogresses which steered me to apathy. It’s one of those moments when you bet your entire life on something veritably germane, yet you end up taking an abominable result. Like why! Next thing you know, you just want to tuck yourself in bed for days and days until you slowly pick up those positive chis again to move forward, or will you? Perhaps, this is the reason why I couldn’t start any article relative to my MBA studies. It scares me. I thought that sharing content would be premature as I have not reached the crest where I could say, “Yey, I have conquered the boulders and crossed the alps.” Tell me, how could I be of great influence when I am even hanging my very self on the precipice! Hang on. I can’t yet, and I’m sorry, I too need those reinforcements.
Soberly, I am still righto (pinky), as the brits’d always say, but I cannot help to worry at times. I am doing well in my studies, and I am dedicating my complete psyche to be successful. I also have a strong support system back in my home country – beautiful people showing TLC in every way, yes, from miles away! However, you just can’t help it, do you? When your brain starts to open too many tabs, it makes you off balance. It makes you think how you will shut some, keep the good tabs, so you can at least have a good night sleep. Overthinking ushers nowhere and I defo discourage you to make this a habit. Nah! Nah!
I guess, the question really is – will I survive until the end? I don’t know yet, but I know His Almighty will never take me for granted. It’s getting better. I have both adapted and adopted well. Met great people. Kept some. Wed out few. Reconnected with old folks. Disassociated from some. Found my future!? – -what’s taking you so long K? – -Gag, I don’t want to talk about the latter yet as it seems very distant! Let’s just say, I would have to dedicate an entire page for that chapter, if ever.
Anyway, enough with the phooey – what I basically want to bequeath is that, when you’re lost and you seem to think like there’s no way, there is always the God’s way. When you’re totally weak and you think that you can no longer carry on, God sends people to enable you. He will provide a good ride so you can continue the travel and reach the journey’s end.
I say its better yeah but why am I cleping it as crazy and unexpectedly expected? It’s what I feel as of this writing. Too many memoirs resonating different levels of lessons. I am still halfway through my studies and about to commence my dissertation. Apart from that, I also have 3 modules to claw. I’m quite excited and nervous for what the next days will bring. One thing is for sure, I am fastening my seatbelt well as the ride could be bumpy, fast, or curvy. Collision can also be reckoned knowing the traffic and the reckless’, but at least, I have already checked the wheel’s airbag and I think I’ll be safe. Again, will I survive if it crashes? Well, I will. I must. I can. Only then I could advance to the next step if I trounce this stage.
What’s next then?
I don’t know. Finishing my MBA. Living in or Leaving England? Finding K? Starting a real family? Build my career? Be the most sought after Cebuana negotiator? Advanced Teaching Courses? God will lead the way, though I know my heart seems so full these days with the energy coming from a mere mythical yearning . That thump thump parapapampam sound motivates me to just keep on moving conscientiously. Yikes! KKK. See you next year. I am ready!